No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
