i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
