Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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