I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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