Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
there is glitter all over my balls
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
