I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
