I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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