So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
