Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
