Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I supernannyed him into submission
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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