So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
