What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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