walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
