That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
