eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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