By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Randomize
