apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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