She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
