so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
