Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
