bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
