I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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