Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Randomize
