I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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