u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
