Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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