u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
