Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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