You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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