When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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