Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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