The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
