Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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