I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
