I could have mohawked her pubes.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
