ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
