dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
