So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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