i think i have two assholes
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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