4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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