I just pynch a tree in the face
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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