At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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