My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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