Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
