mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Randomize
