she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
