taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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