It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
