the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
