My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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